THREE Marvin Gaye tribute acts were giving Let’s Get It On a proper mauling, on ITV, Saturday night, when all of a sudden . . .
Three Marvin Gaye Senior tribute acts suddenly appeared out of nowhere and put them out of their misery.
Coffee, Dayton and Jordan as soul legend Marvin Gaye[/caption]
Three Freddie Mercurys, Joe, Michael and Rob, performed Don’t Stop Me Now[/caption]
Not in reality, obviously — just the imaginary version I had running in my head.
A necessary counter-balance to the horrors of Starstruck which, as absolutely everyone has already pointed out, bears an uncanny resemblance to Stars In Their Eyes.
Instead of five individual contestants, though, we’ve got four teams of three here who compete together before one member of the winning trio is given the chance to progress to a Grand Final and win a prize that host Olly Murs kept describing as “50 fazzan pans”.
There are four celebrity judges as well, who viewers were assured “have got a big job in front of them”.
Or 12 big jobs, to be precise, which was a chore for us and a hell of a workload for the hair and make- up team.
As you can imagine then, standards of singing and appearance varied wildly over the course of the show.
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First up? Don’t Stop Me Now performed by three Freddie Mercurys, Joe, Michael and Rob, who — no matter how much you squinted — looked more like EastEnders’ missing Slater sister, Terry-Thomas and Lord Lucan.
They could sing a bit, though, and it was like watching the real thing, with half a bottle of Lagavulin inside you, compared with the three Ariana Grandes and Dayton, Jordan and Coffee, who were less Marvin Gaye and more Marvin slightly camp.
As Olly Murs warned us, though: “It’s not over yet.”
Starstruck had saved the worst for last.
A triple helping of Lady Gaga’s Poker Face, from waitress Ella, cruise ship entertainer Harriet, who’s got some sort of future performing under the name Lady Saga, and a barmaid called Georgia who told us: “Everyone loves a drink.”
They’ve probably never needed one more either, as even the relentlessly upbeat Adam Lambert was left admitting: “I don’t know if I heard the spitting image of Gaga’s sound.”
Or whether it was the Spitting Image of Roy Hattersley’s old puppet.
Personally, I think it was the latter but if you’re wondering what Adam Lambert was doing there, I can’t help you.
Stars In Their Eyes survived quite nicely without four celebrity creeps telling everyone: “You nailed it” but Starstruck can’t, apparently.
So as well as Adam they’d also hired the inevitable Sheridan Smith, comedian Jason Manford, whose eyes always said something different to his mouth, and the singer Beverley Knight, who provided the soundbite of the night when she said: “Freddie Mercury had a vast vibrato.”
So vast, in fact, he couldn’t even fit it in his bedside drawer.
Collectively, they are the biggest bunch of pushovers ever assembled on a talent show, hiding behind a barrage of “Wows” and lies to spare the contestants’ blushes — presumably because they were stupid enough to believe the executive producer who told them: “The viewers don’t want a Mr Nasty any more.” They do, obviously. Every decent talent show does.
And I would say that, of course, but if you doubt the truth of it then I’d refer you to the demise of The X Factor, where ITV’s viewing figures peaked at 14million in 2010 and were subsequently halved after the network changed tack and decided lying to the contestants was a better idea.
For all the judges’ rictus-grinning positivity and unity of purpose, though, the amazing thing about Starstruck is there’s not a hint of chemistry about them, or even a slight suggestion they like each other.
It’s classic focus group television, in other words.
One of those shows where ITV’s taken a load of things they think the public like (singing, Sheridan Smith, positivity, an old format), shoved them all together and got absolutely nothing right, except the actual winner, Rob, the Freddie Mercury/Lord Lucan hybrid, who had Queen replacement Adam Lambert positively purring.
“I’m sure, wherever Freddie is tonight,” smiled Adam, “He’s looking down, having a right old giggle.”
And thinking: “Pass me the vibrato.”
TV Louis’ light on losers
LOUIS THEROUX was back shooting more fish in a barrel, on BBC2, Sunday night, with a bunch of whackjobs called America First.
If you haven’t already had the pleasure, they’re a fringe group of young, far-right gamers who, when they’re not playing Fortnite, or with themselves, are issuing rape threats and blaming “the Jews” for their own many failures and shortcomings.
As Louis quickly discovered, on Forbidden America, to win an argument with any of this lot all you have to do is wait for one to shout: “Get the f* out of my house” and then politely reply: “I’m not in your house.”
The simple process of growing up should, of course, weed out 99.99 per cent of them.
But the BBC remains dementedly convinced the Third Reich is on the march again, so they were accompanied everywhere by sinister music.
A tactic which didn’t make them look any more threatening – it just diminished Louis Theroux and the career of a man who, 20 years ago, was interviewing the genuinely scary South African nationalist Eugene Terre’Blanche.
Now, here he was, doing the equivalent of trying to interview his horse and expecting it to do something other than s**t on his microphone.
It’s not progress, but Louis certainly wasn’t ready to admit defeat or complicity because, having spent the previous hour amplifying them beyond endurance, he ended the documentary lamenting the fact: “The voices of the political fringe have been amplified.”
Yeah. Wonder how on earth that happened…?
Game over, Louis.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
TIPPING Point, Ben Shephard: “Downsizing: How I Lost Eight Stone, Reversed My Diabetes And Regained My Health is a book by which former Deputy Leader of the Labour Party?
Dave: “Agatha Christie.”
The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Frank Skinner sang ‘Everyone seems to know the score’ in what hit?” Bob: “The Lion King.”
The Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan: “In maths, what is 88 minus 71?” Kaye Adams: “16.”
Ben Shephard: “The name of which historic English city is an anagram of RODFOX?”
Chris: “London.”
Great TV lies and delusions
THE Apprentice, Francesca: “This is definitely not the end of Francesca Kennedy Wallbank.”
Starstruck, Olly Murs: “That’s it for tonight and what a show it’s been.”
After getting fired The Apprentice’s Francesca said: ‘This is definitely not the end of Francesca Kennedy Wallbank’[/caption]
And Mastermind, Clive Myrie: “Rufus Hound. Actor, presenter, comedian, all-round renaissance man. Does that sum it up?”
No, but I guess that BBC2 isn’t ready for: “Haemorrhoid, egotist and all-round mid-life crisis case.”
HALF way through Channel 4’s Gemma Collins: Self Harm And Me documentary, events took a turn for the completely unexpected when, looking through some old family photographs, her mum Joan wistfully remembered: “That one was taken at the Queen’s Theatre. I think you were doing The Sound Of Music.”
A shock to me as well.
Though I can’t now think of anyone more suited to the role of “second Gestapo officer on the left”.
Random TV irritations
RANDOM TV irritations: All those poor tormented Twitter souls who find it easier to call The Masked Singer “a fix” than get a life or a sense of proportion about Natalie Imbruglia in a panda outfit.
Made In Chelsea’s Miles Nazaire wearing a monogrammed “MN” fedora on Celebs Go Dating.
Natalie Imbruglia was revealed as Panda on The Masked Singer[/caption]
Commentator Ed Leigh, 46, dressed like The Edge, from U2, in the BBC’s Winter Olympics studio.
Emmerdale attempting to go all Quentin Tarantino with Meena Jutla (Good luck with that).
And EastEnders’ hot and bothered grannie Jean Slater stripping off next to the tumble dryers while telling Harvey Monroe she’d fantasised about having sex in a launderette, “Ever since I saw THAT film?”.
What film? A Dry White Season or Heat And Dust?
MEANWHILE, Inside The Factory, Gregg Wallace: “I’ve got the bottom half of a vacuum cleaner, but what about the top half?”
You’ve got the top half of an upturned concrete wok, Gregg.
I hope that clarifies things.
TV name of the week.
The toilet paper gel entrepreneur off Dragons’ Den: Eli Khrapko.
Great Winter Olympics Insights
CLARE BALDING: “Shiffrin simply doesn’t do ‘did not finish’. And she has, twice.”
Ed Leigh: “Both of the first three skiers are still in this.”
Clare Balding said: ‘Shiffrin simply doesn’t do ‘did not finish’. And she has, twice’[/caption]
John Hunt: “She’s finished last but you can’t say she’s not a winner.”
And Matt Chilton: “For a lot of athletes, bronze means third place.”
(Courtesy of Graham Wray)
TV Gold
DEVIL’S Advocate: The Mostly True Story Of Giovanni Di Stefano (Sky Documentaries).
Bez just about remaining vertical, while dressed as a beekeeper, on Dancing On Ice.
Bez dressed as a beekeeper on Dancing On Ice[/caption]
Mushroom’s version of The Flower Duet, from Lakme, on the brilliant Masked Singer final.
Erin Doherty acting well enough to make me almost give a toss about BBC1’s Chloe.
And the saving grace of E4’s Celebs Go Dating, Rob Beckett, reacting to Ryan- Mark Parsons’ claim that: “I write. I am a writer.”
“Calm down, Virginia Woolf – you’ve got a column in the Daily Star.”
Lookalike of the week
THIS week’s winner is The Masked Singer’s Jonathan Ross and Archibald Snatcher from The Boxtrolls.
Emailed in by Queen Irene.
Picture research: Amy Reading